Ever notice how it's the little things in life that amuse us so much? More to the point, ever notice how it's the silly little idiocies in life that amuse us more than anything else? Well, this is not as much ''the little blog that could'' as it is ''the blog that enjoys going up the down escalator in your local mall.'' Will it have anything of real importance? No, probably not. But enjoy the ride never the less!

 

Today I discovered that yesterday was St. Patrick's Day, much to my surprise. I had not been informed prior of this, so I indeed missed the entirety of it. Though I think in the end I had something green to contribute to this annual tradition. Not that I had green on me, but in me. At least, I'm certain there's some part of my viscera that's a got a greenish tint to it.

However I'm not about to let anyone say: "Oh yeah? Prove it." Why, you ask? Well, mostly because my Time-Life book series Home Surgery Made Easy is on loan to a friend. And I don't want to ask for my Volume 5 back in the middle of an important armchair gall bladder operation.

Bonus points to anyone who knows the cartoon reference to that one.

Today's Lesson: a cat performing a flying leap onto your stomach is not the best way to wake up in the morning.
posted by Phillip at 7:06 AM

 

According to today's Globe & Mail newspaper, Toronto gets the honour of hosting the world premiere of the Lord of the Rings musical. According to the reports it's going to be a sweeping operatic spectacle chronicling all three books in 3 1/2 hours, featuring a chorus line of orcs, Gollum in a tap-dancing solo, and Mike's head imploding somewhere out in Wisconson.

I'm still waiting for the Broadway musical versions of: Final Fantasy 8 (wherein Squall is still an angsty dick), Excel Saga (which would have to be directed by Nabeshin, no question) and CSI (where Grissom will sing, "The evidence will never lie/with each case it will catch our guy!").

And yes, I can hear you all scream, "Sacrilege!" from here. But I'd rather prefer the exclamation of "Heresy!" instead. It's so much more colourful. ^-^

Today's Lesson: bad movies can still have good soundtracks. Amazing...
posted by Phillip at 5:28 PM

 

...discovering that your local library has the Neil Gaiman audio CD. I have to say, just hearing his Brit accent as he tells us how the Queen of Melanesia stopped by to do the gardening just has me melting into a puddle of fanboyish goo. But the good kind of goo. Not the "and all that hentai doiujin you have on your hard drive is why I never use your computer mouse" kind of goo, it should be noted.

Speaking of things related to books and happiness (but not body odour; that was yesterday), it is with much belated rejoicing that I sit here with an authentic "Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban" Gryffindor scarf wrapped around my neck. Sure it's huge and in wheeling my chair around I've almost strangled myself three times, but I'm thrilled to no end that not only did Ginny kindly put this scarf up for auction, but that people voted for Chulthu to be its recipient.

For those of you unaware, Ginny did not have a pressing need for a Gryffindor scarf, and put it up for auction in a most colourful way. Hopefuls for the scarf could enter a reason why they should get the scarf, and the general public could vote based on the entries. Here was mine:

Dear Ginny,

I have a little Elder God who is anaemic (possibly due to a boating accident he had when he was younger), and he frequently gets the chills from the cold, harsh Canadian winters. This poor little guy, who for the sake of anonymity shall be referred to as “C-chan”, is used to the more tropical climate of Latitude 47 degrees 9’S, Longitude 126 degrees 43’W. Already I’m saddened to say that with the recent bout of snowstorms we’ve had, C-chan has spent these last few weeks burrowed beneath a Harry Potter duvet and trying not to shiver his bulbous anthropoid head right off his winged body. It’s disheartening to watch C-chan try and use a Kleenex, his facial tentacles blowing horribly in all directions, instead of him being out devouring Christmas carollers or driving customers insane as they wait in the lines of the local Walmart.

Now while he’d rather make me suffer eons of terrible madness in some dimension of non-Euclidean proportions than let it be known to the general public, I will have to confess that C-chan is very much a Harry Potter fan. Maybe it has something to do with the giant squid in the lake; I don’t know. But as already indicated, C-chan adores anything to do with Harry Potter. He has Harry Potter bedsheets and posters, all the movies on DVD, and all the books in hardcover. He even has one of those dreaded “unnameable” brooms. (You know the vibrating ones of which I speak.) It would mean the world to us all if he could curl up beneath a blanket, snuggling up next to his plush Hermione doll, with his Gryffindor scarf keeping him and all his impossible appendages safe and warm.

So please, vote not for me, but for C-chan. After all, when he does eventually get over all this cold and rise up to enslave humanity, those of you who voted in his favour will certainly be shown mercy (and be eaten last, as opposed to everyone else, who’ll just be eaten beforehand.)

Please, won’t somebody think of the Elder God?

For those of you wondering, in the end "C-chan" received his scarf and has been able to survive the worst of winter as a happy Gryffindor fan...which is somewhat countered by the way he's eaten any other Gryffindor fan he's met. Then again he's also eaten every Harry Potter fan he's met...not to mention every non-HP fan too, so I guess it all balances out somewhere. And since he's busying himself with plans to drive the rest of humanity mad (purportedly by financing another Catwoman movie), C-chan's graciously allowed me to play with the scarf until he sees fit to devour me.

So in closing, I thank you, and C-chan thanks...and looks forward to devouring you all.

Today's Lesson: when the wolves come out of the walls, it's all over.
posted by Phillip at 5:52 PM

 

It's been...what? 15 days since this little bit of nowhere last went static? And some of you are probably fretting and laying down conspiracy theories about why it happened. Was it due to the various things life throws at you hitting me in the face with such force that I had to be taken to the hopsital to ensure I didn't have a concussion? Was it just plain laziness? Has it been fatigue, both physical and with the world at large? The answer lays somewhere between a little of Columns B&C, and a whole lot of Column A. And just to add some zing, we'll thrown in a little paprika too and let the whole thing bake in the oven for half an hour.

As far as I can ascertain, as of late I've been in the throes of what could be called mild apathy towards writing. I think I've been having more throes than is either needed or called for, and overall they leave with this complete lack of desire to do...well, not a lot of anything. Even writing an Email to people has proven a troublesome effort, and my lack of energy or desire has done nothing to help.

On the other hand, I've been doing a lot of reading, which is at least a good sign that I haven't turned my back on writing altogether. In the past, if I've needed time away from writing, I go back into my near-voracious "bookworm" state. While I can't even hope to rival the speed at which Mel eats through books--so to speak. I'd rather not have people conjuring up images of Mel having a candlelight dinner and pouring ketchup over a paperback copy of Patricia Cornwell's "Blowfly." After all, as any good connesseur knows, mystery novels should always be served with mustard.

Anyhoo, while I'm not as much a bookworm as Mel is (though right now she's waving a bookwork plushie at me to show that there is no physical resemblance between her and the viral plushie), I've been reading a lot more books with a lot more impressive speed than I have in recent months. I personally find this rather encouraging, since in the past it's meant I've been recharging my batteries, and will sooner or later launch back into writing full-force. I'm hoping that's the case here. I like writing, and hate having as many unfinished stories & projects as I currently do. A number of them would need a month or so of solid work and they'd at least be finished. Maybe not presentable, but finished, and right now I can settle for that.

As it is, I still have waiting for me once I get back into things: an accountant discovering that there's an infrequent subway station on the line which leads into a sunny field populated by nothing but fairies and sunflowers; a horse who thinks it's a unicorn, and subsequently that she lost her horn somewhere; a fox who speaks in rhymes and riddles about missing princes and dark forests; a knight who rides day and night in an infernal crusade to cut down true love wherever he finds it; and the great & terrible Cthulhu becoming the victim of his own corporate theme park.

Speaking of reading....

Libraries in San Luis Obispo County have had their own rules banning offensive body odour since 1994, but the policy became law after the board of supervisors last month adopted an ordinance that lets authorities kick out malodorous guests. Visitors to 14 libraries and a bookmobile also could be asked to leave for fighting, eating, drinking, sleeping, playing games, and printing or viewing illegal materials on library computers.

"The point is to make the library a comfortable, safe place for everyone to use," said Moe McGee, assistant director of the San Luis Obispo City-County Library.

A strict code of conduct, officials argue, is needed to ensure one patron's right to use a public library doesn't infringe on the rights of another.Yet the law can raise tough questions for librarians, said Irene Macias, Santa Barbara's library services manager. "What is bad odour?" Macias asked. "A woman who wears a strong perfume? A person who had a garlicky meal?"

The webpage for this can be found here:
http://news.sympatico.msn.ca/Home/ContentPosting.aspx?contentid=
7c441b0745894efca3d003b62cb4b3b2&show=False&number=
0&showbyline=False&subtitle=&detect=&abc=abc


And Today's Lesson is: a cat does not belong in the oven, no matter how much he might think otherwise. By the same token our oven door, when opened to allow for cleaning, can hold the weight of your average male cat.
posted by Phillip at 10:18 AM